We all have an idea, an awareness of what we perceive ourselves to be, who we think we are, and how much we value ourselves. This is our self-concept. There are various dimensions involved in our self-concept. How we develop as children, how we see and think about ourselves, how we actually feel about ourselves, (our self-esteem). As we mature we begin to think about what we would like to become and how we see ourselves in the future, this is our ideal self.
Our self-concept begins to form from a very early age. We are not taught how to be parents, so the more we understand about how we develop, the more competent we can become as parents, which can have a beneficial effect on the whole of society. As babies we interact first with our parents, then with other family and later with teachers and friends. Everything we hear, everything we are told, everything we experience both mentally and physically has an impact on our awareness, on how we view and eventually see ourselves, and on how we develop. Almost all of us are conditioned by other people’s words or actions. When we come into this world our mind is like an empty hard drive on a computer, waiting to be programmed, the first page of a book waiting to be written. The only thing a newborn baby is naturally frightened of is loud noises. We don’t understand what is good or bad, right or wrong, we don’t understand what they mean, these things we learn over time as we acquire formative and primary experiences. From the time we are conceived, through birth up until around the age of five years old, and beyond we are accumulating first experiences, these first experiences become the baseline, they become how we measure things through which all other experiences are then connected and evaluated. Our unconscious mind is designed to sort from what is familiar, it defines familiar by what was there first, and what was most repeated. We don’t have a sense of self yet, so therefore mummy and daddy are me. As we grow up we begin to instinctively resist other people’s ideas or opinions, but we never resist what we have concluded to be true. For example, a young child of two years old or so, learning words, and mummy draws a red triangle and says to the child ‘this is a green square because mummy said so, that’s how it is. Whatever is learned first has the power, whether it’s right or wrong, the way we are introduced to things as first experiences will forever colour whatever comes after it.
Early on we start to develop feelings like love, safety and security, as babies usually we are loved nurtured and protected, because that is what is familiar what was there first, then we tend to equate those characteristics with love, safety and security because that is what’s familiar, but if we’re brought into an environment that is inconsistent, or perhaps abusive, or we’re in a room with people and no one is playing with us, or we overhear parents constantly arguing, because we don’t have a sense of self ‘that’s me’, it goes directly in deep and can be just as trauma-inducing to a child as a war zone can be to an adult. These things become the norm by which we measure things. In early childhood, praise or criticism from parents, siblings, teachers, or others will all have a profound effect on the self-esteem of a child, so those early learned feelings and beliefs will have an enormous impact on their future lives. Children do not develop reasoning, critical factor usually until around the age of seven, then that reasoning mind slowly matures until around ten, eleven or twelve. This is the time when we start to strongly argue our own views.
So ask yourself this question: did you receive enough positive encouragement when you were young? Did your parents give you the love, encouragement and support you needed, did they give you the freedom to fail? The fact is we all fail from time to time, we all make mistakes, none of us are perfect, we learn from our mistakes, being aware of this enables us to learn, to grow and improve. Add to this an atmosphere of love, safety and security and you have a remedy for confidence and success. Or perhaps you were told from time to time, that you were lazy, stupid, useless or even unattractive. As a child any negative criticism would inhibit your confidence and slow your development, possibly causing feelings of inferiority or a lack of self-worth. Whatever you experienced as a child, your parents probably did the best they could, given how they themselves were treated as children.
Let’s look at how we see ourselves, you may see yourself as an intelligent, happy and confident person, in which case your self-esteem would probably be quite high, alternatively you may view yourself as not very bright, dull or perhaps unattractive and therefore you may feel timid and self-effacing, a classic example of low self-esteem. People with low self-esteem have a poor view of themselves and are actually better than they think they are.
Self-esteem is the feeling dimension of the self. It is how we value ourselves. It affects our behaviour, reactions and how we perceive our self-worth. A person with high levels will be confident and have self-respect. Those thoughts will be positive, which in turn creates positive attitudes, with an acceptance of will power and the ability to take responsibility for ourselves, which enables us to be more successful in life. If a person has self-respect they are more able to respect others. Self-esteem is a learned feeling which we acquire through life experiences. We are born with a capacity for positive feelings but as we develop, it is life’s experiences that influence our self-esteem. Low or poor levels are generally caused by other people’s actions, words or negative influences especially when we’re younger, and therefore manifests in negative belief and poor thought patterns. This can sometimes lead to, under-eating, overeating, or in some cases may lead to self-harming.
Having talked about how a healthy self-concept and having self-esteem benefits us, let us think about our children and the endless possibilities of putting these ideas into practice.
As I said earlier young children do not have the ability to reason, their mind is akin to being in hypnosis, they believe everything they are told, everything they experience is accepted as truth until the age of about seven. Belief in Father Christmas, Fairy stories and fantasy are good examples. From seven to eleven we begin to slowly mature. We don’t become the way we are because of the things that happen to us, we become the way we are because of the way our mind perceived and recorded those things at the time. We should love and nurture our children, and by continuously giving them praise, encouragement and support in all their endeavours, at the same time as laying down reasonable boundaries, sensible discipline and guidance, their confidence will blossom and their self-esteem will improve, they will feel more confident and learn more easily. When learning is made fun, we learn more quickly and easily, especially when we are relaxed and happy, so making things fun and interesting is crucial to early learning. If children are set small enough tasks, goals they can achieve, when they achieve those goals they will have a feeling of pride and success, and this will encourage and motivate them to achieve the next task. We should support them, regardless of their learning ability, grades and other measures of competitive ability, all we should ask of them, is that they do the best they can, support and encourage them and not compare them to other children. For example: at a sporting event wherever your child comes, whether it be first or last, the same amount of praise and encouragement should always be given, it’s great to win, but it’s the competing having a go and trying our best that’s important.
Children need to feel confidence and self-esteem, whatever happens, whether they succeed or fail, they need to feel loved and supported. We all make mistakes and we can learn from those mistakes, by looking at things again, ‘how could I do it differently or better’. Success and failure should be treated with the same positive attitude. Everything that has ever been invented, or developed in our world, has been developed through trial, error and determination.
Obviously, many children do have problems and the cause could be an upsetting incident, such as parents separating, divorcing, loss of close family members, the arrival of a new baby that takes all the attention away from an older child, mental or physical bullying, at home or at school, or just random negative experiences. Problems manifest in several ways, for example, lack of confidence, stress or anxiety, self-harming, bed-wetting, sleeping problems, thumb sucking, fear of the dark, eating problems, nail-biting, anger, fear of parents leaving them, dentists, needles, exam-taking etc. The sooner they are recognised and treated the better. To help them I often create a fantasy and use their imagination to put things into a different more positive perspective. I also use personalised audio programmes to introduce new ideas, which they can listen to while they sleep.
If you need help I recommend you seek out a qualified hypnotherapist who specialises in helping children or feel free to contact me.
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